The Unfathomable Self Discover

     

Good portrayal, Frances.

(source: Pinterest)

    No matter how many times I had a holiday once every three months during the last two years of my senior high school, I always faced the same emotion. A strange compilation of fear and excitement, knowing I would be embarking on the next term of my school life (crying in the corner). The worst thing is, these three weeks of holiday became my intermediary as I waved goodbye to 11th grade and faced 12th grade ahead of me.

    If I have to sum up the past few days and how I’ve been feeling, I’m at a loss, really. Life can feel worthwhile at 8 am, only to have me breaking down five hours later. So many concerns are weighing on my shoulders and there is no tranquility for the past few days. The thing is, now in the 21st we have social media and it provides us content like self-development and such. Social media exposure leads us to countless of information and sometimes can make us confused about which one is right and which one is wrong. In short, overstimulated.

    On social media, everyone offers advice on "how to live properly." While those contents can be beneficial, they don’t always work for me. Well, sometimes they provide hope or a little fuel for the weary soul, but an inexplicable skepticism often makes me choose to just lie down, stare at the ceiling, and contemplate my recent life instead.

    There is a plethora of instructions on what I should be and very little on how to discover what I want to be. It would be easier if I had a solid feeling, like sadness, guilt, or happiness and be more decisive. But this feeling of not knowing what I feel is like having a big black hole slowly absorbing all my senses. I thought maybe it was just fear, but fear doesn’t feel this way. So I’ve spent days trying to discover the right thing to do but it has led me nowhere.

    Sylvia Plath's quote echoes my mind: "Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." Maybe, just maybe, this phase of my life doesn’t portray any solid feeling or emotion. It is a contemplation of fear, sadness, excitement, curiosity, and every other emotions as I face a new chapter yet to be discovered.

    The complexity of life leads us nowhere sometimes. It is natural as the meaning behind the journey is what truly matters. I could choose to wake up in the morning and not worry about anything at all. I could be unbothered if I wanted to. But this rocky path of life keeps me wondering and wandering. We don't always have to figure out something right at a certain moment, we can try our best but if it takes ages then it will.

    We can be clueless sometimes, wanting to be everything while losing the sense of how to be anything. But that unexplainable part is also part of the journey, so let's embrace it! Maybe not today, not tomorrow, but someday we will find the way.